With a side of ranch.....

and a sprinkle of lesbian for flavor! The love, sex, life, issues & obstacles that come with being a lesbian.

Sunday, February 27, 2005

The Lesbian Club

Arriving late to The Lesbian Club, aka: TLC, I hurriedly tried to find my seat. Rushing to catch up, I'm unsure that I'm doing things the proper way. Guess you could say, I'm just winging it. TLC has welcomed me with open arms. Years ago I was a guest of various members, I just never thought to join. Now that I have joined, I have an underlying fear that my handbook and membership card will be revoked. What if I'm don't succeed at being a lesbian? What if I fail? Am I worthy of being called a lesbian? Mel RoEll, TLC's High Lesbo Priestess, has not requested that I return my handbook or membership card.....guess that's a good sign. I've been a full-fledged member for almost 4 years. I still wonder if I'm succeeding. But, I guess, we all have doubts about ourselves now and then.

Most gals I've spoken to have led me to believe that
winging it is the only way this works. All those who came out before me have made my club membership possible. Because of those that laid the foundation, with their blood, sweat, tears and for some their lives; I don't have to live in the small, dark, lonely closet that was so popular just a few years ago. There are those, like my parents, that are praying me back into the closet. The closet doesn't fit anymore....in fact, I never really was a member of The Closet People.

Growing up I always thought that I was bi. I figured: God made 2 sexes....why do I have to pick just one? So I went my merry way having
playdates with my friends. Our version of playing house was quite different from the norm. The wife/mom role was always mine. It didn't matter to me if I was playing with a little boy or a little girl, I just had fun with either.

My first crush was on a little girl named, Christy. She had that
butchy-quality that I still like. She made one heckuva husband/dad! She was a year older than me and I thought she was really cool. I was all of 8 or 9 years old. Those were the days!

Almost 4 years ago, much to my Fundamentalist Parents' disappointment, I fell in love. Up to that time I thought that I had been in love before.....I was sooooo wrong! This is when I came to realize that I am not bi. Well, I am...but, only sexually. It's my opinion that we are all sexually bi. Anyone can have sex with either sex and enjoy it. Heck, if a woman can have sex with a cucumber and a man can get off with a potato (yes, I've heard of such a thing. It involved a whole in the middle of the poor spud.) it's pretty evident to me that we can have sex with anything &/or any gender. When it comes to which gender we are capable of falling in love with.....that's where the sexual identity comes into play. It should be called Love Identity....cuz it's all about love, baby!

Before falling in love with Butchy, I was with a Monster Man for 4 years. That's a loooong story that I just don't feel like telling right now. We'll save that for another session, ok Doc? Back to my story.....
Butchy rescued me. As I fought falling in love with her I came to realize that I was fighting falling in love, period. It had nothing to do with the "gay thing." I never even gave that a thought. I'd never been in love before. My heart had never been available to anyone. I had walls around my heart that were constructed from titanium.....there was no way anyone was going to get close enough to infiltrate my fortress. Along came Butchy. She slid under my radar, *BAM* I was invaded! There was no going back....my walls were melting. Damn her!

For the first few months of our getting reacquainted (that's another story, for another post) I was
NOT on my best behavior! I was the opposite of anyone else starting out in a new relationship. I felt it was my duty to warn Butchy about me. My ex, Monster Man, had me convinced that I was a useless piece of trash. Looking back (with 20/20 vision), it is beyond me why I believed anything he said about me. This is a man (I use this term loosely. He was only a man chronologically, that's it!) that I knew wouldn't tell you the truth if you asked him what time it was. Any answer he gave, you could bet your life that the opposite would be the truth. Throughout our relationship I was constantly "clearing up" the misinformation (bureaucratic word for LIES!!!) he was giving out to his co-workers and our friends. He would call me a useless fat cow and I would believe him. (not my most intelligent moment!) All I can say in my defense, is that his sickness became my sickness. I allowed it. I own it. The door was always open.....I could have walked out anytime.

4 years and 10 days later, I finally had enough. Before Butchy, I thought I wouldn't leave him alive. If I had stayed I probably wouldn't have made it out alive. Therefore, I am convinced that Butchy rescued me. And, also, that I allowed myself to be rescued.

Upon falling in love with Butchy, I realized that my loving a woman made me gay. Fascinating. All it took for me to "become gay" was to fall in love with Butchy. That was pretty simple. And almost painless, almost. I didn't have years of struggling with my
identity. It never bothered me that I was bi. When I was 19 I had told my Fundamentalist-Woman-of-God Mom that I was an "emotional lesbian." It was always pretty clear to me that emotionally I was not open to men. Hating men for past abuses probably figured into that. Ya think? I knew that I could be sexual with a man, but not emotional. They were just tools. Thazit. I had it all figured out at a pretty young age. No great coming out for me. It was more like someone asking me about the weather. For my parents it was a tornado warning. I bet I'm on every prayer list from here to Venus!

Life with Butchy has been quite the learning experience. There were numerous misconceptions about lesbian relationships that I have had to overcome. And, yes, I do mean overcome. I had to let go of the misconceptions so that we could
get real.

In my head, (a place that's nice to visit, but you surely wouldn't want to live there!) I was under the false impression that living with a woman would be soooo much easier than living with a man. Glory be!! I was WAY off base! See, I have some wonderful female-type friends.(not to be confused with girlfriends. It's all so confusing in this club!) I, for some unknown reason, thought that living with them wouldn't be that big of a deal. Why I didn't think of the trips I had taken with my best friend is a mystery to me. By the end of those trips we wouldn't be talking to each other. In fact, we wouldn't talk for almost a month after those trips! Now, in my defense (am I sounding defensive, Doctor?), she didn't bring her "happy pills" with her on either trip. She's bipolar, or some such illness.....we REALLY NEEDED those pills! Anyway, you would think that, seeing as I am a highly intelligent woman (really, I am.), I would take into account how my female friends can really get on my nerves after a few days of hanging out with them. Being with a butchy woman is quite the roller-coaster ride. She's got strong masculine characteristics and tender feminine characteristics all rolled into one Picasso painting.

This post is way too long. I'm tired of typing and I'm sure you're tired of reading my babble. Let's call it a night and continue this another time. Ok?

Saturday, February 26, 2005

With a side of ranch???

You're probably wondering about the name of my blog. I love ranch dressing with pretty much everything. I'm forever ordering a side of ranch when we eat out. It makes great food taste even better. Nothing beats a baked potato with butter and ranch dressing. The only items that don't improve with ranch are sweet stuff. That's not a good mix. For everything else, though...it all tastes better with ranch. I wish we could order our relationships with a side of ranch. When the relationship starts going bland, just add ranch! Sounds good to me!